We had such a good, prayer-filled, passion-filled day today, and suddenly, everything has come crashing down again. Silvio has had mini episode after mini episode lately. Now he is struggling, despairing in his illness, and I don’t know how long this will last.
Praying is so hard in these times. I tell God I trust Him, and I think I do, but do I really? I beg Him to heal Silvio, trying my best to believe in that healing because I know it’s those with faith whose prayers are answered, but I don’t expect God to answer this prayer at all. I try to be joyful in Him, because I know that His joy is my strength, but it’s not His joy I am latching onto–it’s only a fake mask of joy. And I know I can do nothing and that I must simply be weak and let Him carry me, but I cannot seem to even do that authentically.
I know that I must give Silvio and this depression to Abba, but I cannot let go.
Abba, help me, help me please.
My memory verses this week, which I did not organize:
“So do not worry; do not say, ‘What are we to eat? What are we to drink? What are we to wear? It is the gentiles who set their hearts on all these things. Your heavenly Father knows you need them all. Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on God’s saving justice, and all these other things will be given to you as well.” – Matthew 6:31-33
“Peace I bequeath to you; my own peace I give you, a peace the world cannot give, this is my gift to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.” – John 14:27
“Loyally offer sacrifices, and trust in Yahweh.” – Psalm 4:5
Yesterday we were both despairing so much. All the consequences of Silvio’s depression were coming back to us: the times he couldn’t work, we didn’t know if he’d have a job he could manage, and it seemed like we wouldn’t even be able to pay for food and rent. Those were the times that God taking care of us was the most obvious, because we wouldn’t have been able to get by otherwise. But still, the fear was nearly paralyzing: what if?
The biggest lesson then, I think, was to stop giving in to the what ifs and learn to trust God. It wasn’t even a blind trust, because He continuously gave us just what we needed right when we were most desperate, in ways that wouldn’t have just naturally happened. He was showing us how solidly He’s got us. The more needy we were, the more clearly He took care of our needs. For when I am weak, then I am strong. It was so neat to see how when I melted on Him and He was my everything because He was all I had, He was so true to His promise and all these other things were given to us as well. It is so tempting to get caught up in my fears about Silvio’s depression and our circumstances falling back to how they were back then, but that was also the time that God carried us most tangibly and I must remember that first of all.
This is peace. I am overwhelmed at having been given the gift of seeing God take care of my so clearly. And I would never have seen that if we weren’t so helpless and needy and wading through our struggles. What a beautiful example of how much God’s peace goes so much deeper than what the world can give. The world’s peace timed out the moment we started suffering. God’s peace only got clearer and clearer. And no one is immune to suffering, so how could I not prefer God’s version of peace and seek after it and love it? If the worst that can happen ends in falling into Abba’s open, strong hands, how can I dread that? I do dread it, but oh, if I would learn!
I have so much to be so genuinely thankful for. So much. And so many reasons to trust Him. The Bible says that the sacrifices that God is most pleased with are those of praise and thanksgiving. He has given me so much to thank Him for that I couldn’t run our if I tried. Thank Him. Focus on His gifts and provisions and remember the times He’s caught me beyond all odds. “Loyally offer sacrifices, and trust in Yahweh.” I do need to strive to trust. But I also think that the more I recall His gifts and provisions and faithfulness and protection, trust will come so naturally.