Yesterday I was getting kind of mopey about not having a working car, not having my freedom. Then I started feeling this tiny nudge in my conscience. I felt that it was okay to be upset about something, but I was taking it too far. I started watching a bunch of Father Mike Schmitz videos which helped me to refocus, to remember that I am not entitled to anything, not cars, not my ideal freedom, not even the countless amazing things I do have–but that God gave me so many gifts anyway.
I realized that the reason I wanted a car is to get certain places, such as visiting friends and home–the nearby practical errands are manageable with sharing a car. I may not be able to see my family as much as I would choose to, but generally I am able to get places because Silvio, Mom, and a dear friend from my choir an hour away are all so willing to do extra driving for my sake. I may not have freedom exactly, buy I get to do things and see people still and be so loved by people’s generous examples of help in the meantime.
It’s my instinct to feel bad about imposing extra burdens on people. But they want to help me. And it’s good for them to love a person, to love me, in the big ways they do. I wouldn’t go out of my way to give them extra work, but since it’s there, it is a good thing. A good thing for them to give it and a good thing for me to receive it.
I am not entitled to anything at all. There are certain things I wish I had. But the love I am seeing is more beautiful than the things I wish I had, and I wouldn’t be seeing that love if I were self-sufficient. How beautiful detachment from my own desires can be.