Lately, I’ve been struggling a lot with selfishness. If something doesn’t go my way, I’m upset. If Silvio does something completely unintentionally that I don’t like, I stay preoccupied with it. (He hasn’t done anything to warrant this.) I’m obsessed with my own happiness and can’t see past that goal to love Silvio the way I’m called to. And not only is all this causing me to hold on to resentment and anger and hurt, and will damage our relationship if I keep it up, it is the very thing that is ironically sabotaging my happiness the most.
I need to end the cycle. And the only way I can do that is–with the Holy Spirit’s help–by loving. Loving so much extra. Loving in ways that don’t do me any apparent direct good. (Though of course by loving I’ll be doing myself the greatest good I can possibly do.)
For the rest of this week, I resolve to love Silvio through some concrete action once every hour. If I can make it entirely selfless, so much the better. And pray for him with every act of love. Holy Spirit, help me. Fill me and be my love.
I was sitting in Mass being terrified at how hard and painful this is going to be when it struck me–the Holy Spirit, I’m sure–that God is always calling me to love. It is not promised to be easy, but doing His will with my whole heart has a way of turning out to be amazing. It may be excruciating, but that won’t compare to how amazing it will be. And the only reason it will hurt anyway is that I need to get my stuff, my mess, out–which always hurts but is what is needed most to prepare me for heaven. The sooner the better and then I can live so much more freely.
–Later that evening–
Update: I wasn’t very far into it before the way I could love Silvio in the way he most needed it at the moment was to let him shower love on me–he was so delighted to play games with me, play the music I love, and then put clean sheets on the bed. He loved it. It wasn’t in response to anything, he just wanted to love on me. (Which further proves how much all my mess had been entirely in my head.) The first act of love made in the midst of my selfish mood was hard for me, but it took no time at all to feel worth it. The challenge was good for me, for my growth, but it became tangibly rewarding almost instantly and opened my eyes to how much unconditional love is being given to me regardless of my emotions.