I hesitated about whether or not to share this struggle. I hesitated not because I’m embarrassed, but because people feeling sorry for me is harder for me to bear than the struggle itself. But it keeps coming back to me that I need to. In faith that that is the Holy Spirit nudging me, I’m going to share it. Silvio and I have been married long enough that people have started to wonder why we aren’t pregnant yet. If I indicate that we have big news, their minds immediately go to a baby. Sometimes it even feels like people pressure us to have kids more for their sakes than ours, because they would enjoy having the pleasure of watching us cuddle with a cute baby. I try not to put too much stock in thoughts like these, but the pressure is hard. We don’t have kids because we can’t have kids, at least not yet, and I don’t think people really know how to respond to that unless they’ve been through it themselves. This makes it hard to talk about. God has given me the amazing gift of peace about my current state, at least for living it out, but explaining it is awkward and painful because people’s reactions are so unpredictable no matter how well-meant they are. But the person whose reaction matters most loves me perfectly, and that is my husband. I have a few journal entries on the topic which I’ll be sharing. I hope they may reach someone who struggles similarly and if nothing else communicates that you are not alone. I also want to share it because this blog is about marriage, and in a way this issue is at the core of marriage. But most of all it reveals the kind of man my husband is. He loves me very genuinely, sincerely, and intentionally. He inspires me so I hope his example can inspire you too.
My hormones aren’t normal, and I don’t make enough progesterone to maintain a pregnancy. I’ve been taking progesterone for many months now, but so far it hasn’t made any difference. It’s possible that a higher dose would make a difference—it’s also possible that it won’t. It’s not like I’m infertile–there is hope. But we can’t know for sure.
I am oddly at peace with this. Silvio and I are both open to adopting, even if that’s all we do. Although I desire the chemical/biological bonding I would have with a baby of my own, I am equally open to being the mom of a baby that someone else gave birth to.
The only part that troubles me even slightly is the desire to give Silvio a child of his own. But this is only in my heart. Silvio is loving me so well in this. If I ever bring it up, he puts his entire focus on me to tell me genuinely that he doesn’t care, that he loves me and accepts me exactly the way I am and wouldn’t want me to be any different. The only reason he has any attachment to me giving birth over adopting is for the sake of my own personal bonding with our child.
Last night, he looked at my natural family planning chart and saw that I’d had another cycle that ended prematurely. And all he said was, “Well, it looks like we may be adopting!” He didn’t mind at all. That gives me so much peace.